When you and your partner become parents, and hold your baby in your arms for the first time, it’s the most incredible moment. But in the days, weeks and months that follow, you will no doubt have some ups - and also some downs. Here, I share with you some of Relate counsellor Denise Knowles' top tips on how to cope when times get tough...

 

Being a parent certainly isn’t easy. You will find it difficult to make time for yourselves, and each other. It’ll be hard to juggle work and your new family, and you’ll have big decisions to make on how to bring up your baby. But the most important thing to remember is you’re not alone.

   ‘Don’t keep your feelings to yourself. Talk to your partner and other parents - you'll find that many of them are experiencing the same conflicting feelings,' Denise said.

   It’s amazing to think that a small person can have such a huge impact on family life. But they do. Yet taking note of any changes and being sensitive to the feelings of those around you may be easier said than done, especially when you’re tired. 

   ‘Try to be kind to yourself and each other. Remember that lack of sleep causes lowered tolerance and frayed tempers,’ Denise continued. ‘Work with your partner to support each other through it. Take turns with the baby. When it's not your turn, don't hover - get away from the noise. Go out if need be.'

   Nap when you can, and accept all offers of help. Still, sometimes you will crave sleep. And you'll do anything to get it. 'Sleeping separately can help to keep at least one of you from falling apart,' Denise added. 'But don't do it for too long. Sharing a bed is an important part of being a couple.’

  This is all great advice to try to keep your relationship on track, but what happens if your new, beautiful bundle has caused you and your partner to be the ones to throw your toys out of the pram? What if your new addition has already upset your relationship?

  'Set time aside to talk,' Denise said. 'Take turns to listen to each other, uninterrupted, for a certain amount of time. It is very important not to use language that blames or criticises the other. The object is not to attack or undermine each other, but to try to understand what the problems are. Say: "I feel abandoned when you go to the pub after work instead of coming home to me and the baby," rather than: "I'm furious that you spend so much time at the pub. You've never bothered to come home on time, and since we've had the baby things have got even worse."'

  Allow yourself time to digest what has been said - perhaps have some quiet time. 'Your first reactions may be anger or resentment, or you might feel like crying,' Denise said. 'Let these feelings pass, and focus on what your partner actually said, so that you end up with a clearer understanding of his or her feelings. Then, when you're ready, use your insights to talk the problem through again calmly. Aim to move towards a solution that satisfies you both.'

   Finally, remember to look at the positives. You’ve created a wonderful little person, so be grateful for and appreciate one another. This is a precious time and you want to look back on them in years to come with fondness, not regret that you bickered your way through it.

   ‘Don't give up. It takes practice to learn to communicate better,' Denise said. 'Don't expect everything to be solved immediately, keep at it and you will start to see changes.’

 

If you'd like some support with relationships in your family,
call Relate on 0300 100 1234 or visit www.relate.org.uk