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Why mums need mates


By Natalie Trice (visit www.justbecauseilove.co.uk


As a mum you need support and, no matter how wonderful your partner, midwife or family is, nobody understands better what you are going through than another mum...


It's true. Who else will you honestly discuss stitches, piles, reflux, and poo with? Who else will understand the anguish for the first day of nursery and waiting for that school place you are so desperate to secure? And, who else will be there for you even if you do cancel on them 10 minutes before dinner, or turn up for lunch with sick on your shoulder? 

   The great thing about your mummy friends is that they are living through the same sleep, feeding and development issues you're facing with your children. If you choose well, they will become your support system, the people you can depend on, the ones you will learn from, and the ones you will spend many hours with in the years to come. 

   However, in today’s uber-competitive world of parenting, the phenomenon
that is ‘mumupmanship’ means many 
happy moments can be overshadowed and friendships ruined because mums may be competitive and believe their way is the right way, leaving others feeling lonely and inadequate. 

   In reality, it doesn’t matter whether you take NCT or NHS birthing classes, if you had a natural birth or an epidural, whether you breastfeed oropted for formula, or which buggy you chose and how much it cost. 

   Surely it is better to join forces and laugh about the pain of labour and lack of sleep than to be competing over who is back in their skinny jeans first and whether the baby’s first word was Gucci?

   The only way you can really beat the mummy mafia is to make real friends with women who don’t see parenting as a competition but a labour of love that is both rewarding but also back-breakingly hard.   

   Pregnancy, giving birth, caring for a new baby and raising children are intense, life-changing experiences, and whilst you will still have your BC (before children) mummy friends can offer a camaraderie and bond that is priceless.  

   Whilst making new friends isn't always easy and can feel as awkward as a first date, it is worth stepping out of your comfort zone as the results can last a lifetime. One mum told me: 'Your baby friends totally understand what you are going through and have fewer expectations of you than those without kids. They are as tired as you are and won’t judge you for not coping, but instead offer support and advice learnt through their own parenting chaos.' 

   Another said: 'When you have small children and aren’t getting enough sleep, the last thing you need is a competitive mum ramming her point of view and achievements down your throat. I have chosen my friends carefully and those
who don’t accept me, warts 
and all, have gone by the wayside.'

New friends can be found at: 

• Antenatal and post-natal classes and groups

• Local mother and baby groups as well as baby clinics run by your health visitor

• Pushing a buggy gives you licence to talk to pretty much anyone including other mums

• Baby massage, signing, yoga and music classes

• Baby mornings at your local cinema 

• Social media and online forums are a great way to start friendships, and can be done whilst your baby is feeding or taking a nap

• If your children are older go to PTA. meetings, volunteer at school or go along to help on school field trips

The thing to remember is that you might have to try a few different things before you find what works for you. It can feel a little bit intimidating when you arrive somewhere new, where everybody seems to know each other, but try to give it two or three goes and then decide whether these are people you want to be friends with or not.

Getting out there is the first step; the second is how to turn an acquaintance into a new friend. There isn’t a magic formula but the following may help:

• Smile, make eye contact, ask how old another woman’s baby is, and how they are finding things

• Text and email people you have met once or twice and ask them if they fancy a walk or a coffee and, of course, if people ask you then GO!

• Link up with people you meet on Facebook and Twitter, as this can be an easy way to start a friendship 

• Start a mummy blog

• Get out of the house every day and try to see new friends every week

• Be open and kind to other mums you meet; a fantastic friendship can develop from a few humorous remarks at the weighing in clinic

So just remember, you aren’t in competition with other mums, but the same boat. By joining forces you will offer acceptance, have emotional support and a shoulder to cry on as well as feeling more connected and less isolated. Mummy friends shouldn’t be there to catch each other out but instead to share the good times and the bad and, let’s face it, a coffee with your girlfriends is way cheaper than therapy.

We all need to let off steam with our fellow mummy mates sometimes

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